Gym socks, take cover

We joined a gym today.  We really need it. 

I’m a little nervous.  I haven’t belonged to a gym in nearly five years.  That’s not to say I haven’t exercised, mind you…I have.  Just not as much as I used to.  When we lived in Divide, Colorado, we thought it would be a nice place to really stay in shape.  Rural areas sometimes foster that kind of lifestyle.  Oh, how we were off-base on that.  Rural living only keeps you in shape if you’re chopping wood, hunting your food, or doing major gardening/farming/lifting/building.  We lived on top of a cold, windy mountain.  There was no need to chop wood with our flip-a-switch gas fireplace.  The HOA rules didn’t allow chickens or cows or anything not named ‘Rex’ or ‘Fluffy.’  Shoveling snow was about the most exercise the actual property required, and that usually didn’t even happen because when it did snow, there was no shoveling…it was time to call a plow.  And pushing a stroller on the dirt road at 9200 feet was doable for about two months every summer, if you went during the day when the sun was up high enough to make it warm but not so high that it created an instant sunburn, but not so low that it was too cold and it was likely that wild animals were still out prowling around and it hit you directly in the eyes as you walked toward it…

Okay so these were some of the various reasons I’ve been an indoor girl for the past few years.  But now that we are in a real town with sidewalks and grass and bike trails and stuff, we decided there were no longer any valid reasons to sit around and watch American Idol (though that is what TiVo is for).  So while our favorite TV shows are recording, we are going to get back into shape!

And this is a nice gym.  It’s way nicer than the 24 Hour Fitness I was part of in Colorado.  It’s got everything a person could want in a workout facility.  Juice bar, a zillion nice machines with LCD TV screens built in, a daycare center, a pool that doesn’t use chlorine but instead some high-tech saline system…I mean, nice. 

When I was single I was one of those jerks who went to the gym for a good two hours a day, five or six days a week.  I know I won’t be able to do that again for a long time.  Nor would I really want to.  But it would be nice to go four days a week for an hour or two.

I don’t look forward to the starting over.  I’ll be starting from scratch, really.  Since my uber-athletic days, I’ve had two roly-poly children and one major back surgery that took a full year to recover from.  Those screws at L5-S1 I am not willing to pop out.  Those suckers cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $85,000.  So I have to really start slow and work up to…what?  I don’t even know.  I guess I will find out. 

So if you happen to see the completely out of shape klutz in the corner trying to contort herself into a U shape, that is just me trying to see if I remember how to do a crunch.  Or more accurately, if my abdomen will even allow me to do a crunch.  My back surgery was an ALIF procedure, where they made a seven-inch cut into my gut, moved all the internal organs out into a dish while they worked on my spine, then put it all back where they figured it went. It’s never really been the same, and when I do anything remotely resembling a crunch, it’s kind of “squishy,” like “hey, maybe that’s my liver…oh wait, that could possibly be a pancreas? 

It’s very strange.  A person should be able to take their organs for granted.

 

Snow Cave 2008

Today was annual Snow Cave Day in our yard.  AJ was happy to contribute to the igloo.

 

Not as big as last year’s cave was, but this one has a bench inside.

 

It Can Happen to You

There have been a lot of people disappearing in Colorado avalanches, lately. 

I guess I have a hard time feeling too sorry for those who venture outside of areas they’re supposed to be in.  Even when outdoor enthusiasts are very experienced, trained, yada yada yada…it doesn’t matter when conditions are bad enough.  Central Colorado has had tons of snow this year already and avalanche danger is very high.  Sadly, many of the people who they are pulling out from under the snow were wearing expensive avalanche beacons. 

 

Elk Attack

The garage door man arrived and said that “there is substantial damage to the garage door, and it came from the outside.”  Three of the four panels are “severely damaged” and the entire door “has to be replaced.”  He managed to get the garage door shut, but we have to park outside because we can’t open it at all.  At least it’s December and snowy. 

We decided to call the sheriff to file a police report, just incase the damage might have come from a nutcase or a deranged psycho stalker.  However, the sheriff is pretty sure that the damage is the result of an elk attack.  He said “I’ve seen enough damaged houses to know if it’s a bat or a crowbar.”  He said that perhaps the elk “decided to lean against the door,” or that the damage “could be the result of head-butting.”

So there you go.  We were attacked by elk in the night.  How will I be able to sleep, knowing that the antlered perps are still out there, waiting, wandering, ready to deposit more poo, possibly attack more entrances? 

I am going to take out my revenge by eating elk all winter.  Now I have to find someone who shot an elk this fall.  I did pick up some nice venison from my friends Sharon and Rick today though…perhaps a good start at revenge is eating the perps’ cousin.

 

Party In Our Yard

I could not sleep last night.  I’ve been fighting the worst insomnia of my life for several months, but last night was the worst of the worst.  Instead of waking up at 2 AM, I woke up a little bit before midnight.  I tried really hard to fall asleep again, but then around 1 AM I heard a noise. 

I don’t know about you, but I hate hearing a noise in the middle of the night.  Not a house noise either, but a banging/clattering/something possibly trying to get in type of noise.  So I woke up and starting wandering about the house, never straying too far from our thunder-stick.

I flipped on the porch light.  I saw a bunch of tracks in the yard, possibly those of a rabbit.  There’s about four inches of snow covering the grass, so the tracks were easy to spot. 

This morning I am practically insane from lack of sleep.  I immediately put the coffee on (Dunkin’ Donuts whole bean…not bad!) and opened the kitchen blinds.  The couple of tracks that were streaking across the yard last night had multiplied.  There are areas where bare grass is showing through. 

Then the really bad news came this morning…we could open the garage door, but can’t shut it.  It seems bent.  This is not good considering that we have already replaced the garage door once this year.  That’s how we found out it’s a “special order, custom sized door” (translation: lots of money). 

So I went on an investigation.  It appears that the animals of the Pikes Peak region threw a party in our yard.  There are some trees mowed down in the back yard.  There are copious amounts of poo scattered everywhere.  Everywhere.  There are elk tracks and some kind of coyote or fox tracks.  Our front yard looks like animals were chasing each other back and forth.  Our neighbors have some tracks too, but our yard seems to have been the main ballroom: 

They did a number on the snow…they might have been tearing up the snow to get to the grass…

 

The blue arrows point to some small trees that were crushed in last night’s events…

One of dozens of piles…

Some predator sniffing around our garage.  Probably a coyote…we have lots of those running around up here…

 What in the world were they doing…

This was nice and smooth snow last night…

 

Small elk tracks…possibly a deer…

Did the creatures try to break into our garage last night?  Why won’t the garage door shut?  The garage door fix-it man is coming out today.  I hope he gets here fast, too, because it’s about 6 degrees outside and very cold. 

 

Pikes Peak this morning…

At least the back of it. 

Here is a shot of the trees in front of our house:

 

Here is one a few minutes later.  That’s the back of Pikes Peak.  The sun got a bit higher in the sky.  Notice the “snowbow”!  You can’t tell, but there were millions of tiny ice crystals in the air.  I’ve never seen a snowbow before…

 

Separated at Birth?

Oreo Cookie Beard man, and the Colorado Rockies Todd Helton. 

You be the judge.

 

Preemptive Boots

The snow is melting away today.  I had to write about a phenomenon I saw multiple times during the day yesterday, the day after the “big snow.”

People are clearly ready for winter where I live.  The trees are bare, there are no snow shovels left at the store, and toilet paper is in high demand.  They know that summer is gone, fall is only happening in the South, and at any minute we could be snowed in ala October 2006. 

Well, yesterday wasn’t frigid, and most of the ice melted away by the afternoon.  Only remnants of ice in shadowy corners remained, industrial salt chunks working away at what little was there.  Yet many, many people were decked out in the heaviest, thickest boots that money can buy.

I’m talking forty-below farm boots, hairy boots that looked like they once were part of an Afghan hound, boots made of materials invented by NASA for use in places with no atmosphere.  Some of the boots were knee high, apparently donned for navigating the treacherous half inch of snow that lingered in sidewalk cracks.  These boots, my friends, were preemptive boots.  There was no visible need for these boots, and hopefully there won’t be for a few more weeks.  But the sight of these boots signal that the people of Colorado are prepared and waiting for snow to strike at any minute. 

 

Stuff, Out of Place

So I have a confession to make…

…I stopped in to check out the recently opened Wal-Mart in Woodland Park.  This big-box behemoth has been the topic of much controversy over the past couple of years, in the small town, anyway.  I am pleased with the way the store appearance has turned out.  The lights aren’t those 1500-watt halogen things that can be seen from the moon; instead they are brown “hook” lights with covered tops that shine a dim, orange-y light to a small area on the ground.  Very nice.  There is also a giant statue of an elk welcoming drivers into the (too-large) parking lot. 

I wasn’t sure about going to the controversial store, but I was on my way to work the other morning and I thought, “why not.”  Besides, we need to replace our phones.  I decided to go inside.

As far as Wal-Marts go, it’s a couple of notches above your average Wal-Mart (on the inside…the outside is the nicest Wal-Mart I’ve ever seen).

I have to say that I was overcome with a strange sense of displacement once inside.  Walking through row after row of beige shelving, stacked to the top with goods made in foreign lands, I saw all the familiar sights; that frickin’ yellow smiley-face, piles of cheap DVDs with B-list stars, an entire row dedicated to sunscreen.  I was a little bit taken aback.  Woodland Parkers can now purchase a lot of things that once required a 25-mile drive.  Socks?  Go to Wal-Mart.  No need to run to Colorado Springs. 

On one hand, it’s kind of nice to think I can go to this big-box store instead of one in the city…the WP Wal-Mart will be a lot less crowded and a lot more pleasant to shop in than say, the Platte or the 8th St. ones.  That disturbing sense of “being nowhere” still has me concerned, though.  Once I walked in to the store, I could have been anywhere.  Anywhere, USA.  Come to think of it, Wal-Mart in Woodland Park will be one of the few windowless places in the small town, where you can’t look out and know exactly where you are. 

*Shiver*

I never ended up buying new phones.  Most of them were brands I never heard of, and the ones that I did hear of, came in giant boxes with answering machines and three handsets.  I don’t need an answering machine.  I don’t need more than two handsets.  I already attempted a couple of their “Off-brand” phones and the static and interference is the reason we have to replace them. 

So I left. 

 

Cabin Fever

I am hoping that today is the last day in 2007 I will need to pay the Plow Guy. 

The Plow Guy has been a frequent visitor to the house this winter.  Some would say “Hey, wait, it’s Spring you ninny.”  Yesterday proved otherwise.  For further reading, check out my previous driveway rant. Okay, maybe today it’s Spring, but it sure wasn’t yesterday.  To make matters worse (unbearable, actually) my internet was down.  Tragedy–major, major tragedy.  In fact it’s still down.  Thankfully the Plow Guy showed up quickly and I am now in fabulous downtown Woodland Park at the deli.  The deli has free Wi-Fi.  I thought I would post a quick note to let everyone know I am still alive.  Apparently I am online so much that when I’m not, people freak out and wonder if something bad happened. 

So I’m done sorting through my e-mail, MySpace messages, and catching up on other blogs.  I feel like I’ve had my dose of the web and I can survive the next couple of hours.  Hopefully the home DSL will come back to life by then. 

 

No, I don’t work for Subaru…

..but I am going to plug the Forester in this blog. 

Colorado has been getting a lot of snow this year.  Sometimes the news reports get the masses fired up by comparing the oncoming weather system to Armageddon, or WWII, or something like that.  Usually when they make these grandeur claims, we get a slight breeze and a few flakes of snow.  That’s what happened a couple of weeks ago.

Apparently in order to avoid embarrassment again, the weather stations and newspapers casually mentioned that we “might see a bit of snow” and that “a storm system was going to hit somewhere in the Rockies.”  It was buried deep on page 13 or mentioned briefly just after some update on the ghost of Anna Nicole.  So what is it doing now?  Blizzarding.  White out. 

I left my laptop at work yesterday because I didn’t think I would need it today to work from home.  I’d like to blame the weather people on this, but I can’t really do that.  This is the second time over the season that I have left my laptop at work just before a serious snow storm hit the area.  But this post is not about forgetting, luckily!  It’s about the importance of all-wheel drive.

So on my way back home from work this morning, the roads were already a lot worse than they had been on the way down.  I was driving carefully, as was everyone else on the road.  There was one semi-visible lane on Highway 24 West.

Then the lady two cars ahead of me spun around.  The truck between us managed to go off the road to the left.  The lady in the tan Honda was now headed toward me.  The expression on her face let me know that she was really not doing this on purpose.  So I drove myself into the ditch.  (If you are ever in this situation, go in the ditch.  It’s a lot better than hitting someone or getting hit.  The ditch is a much safer option)  The lady managed to slow herself and turn around.  Of course she just went on her merry, slippery way.  Jerk.  Didn’t even bother to check on anyone and she had forced two cars off the road.  I hate to be a jerk about it, but I hope she gets a flat tire or something. 

 So there I was in the ditch.  It wasn’t the world’s deepest ditch or anything, but in a different car I would have had a hard time even thinking about getting out.  With just a couple of tries my Forester was able to get out and get back on the road.  I love my car.  I am really glad that lady didn’t run into it.   

 

Secret! Revealed

Many weekend mornings you will find me, and perhaps some others that I associate with, here:

The food is tasty and the staff are great.  But there is an ulterior motive, a real reason why we choose The Pantry over other places.

There is no cell phone reception whatsoever in the valley.  We are completely free from anyone who tries to find us.  This is a valuable bonus in this day and age of “can you hear me now.”

 

Battlesnow Drivewaytica

I know it’s been a long time since diagrams have been posted…but the wait is over!

There was an episode of Blue’s Clues last week that discussed the physics of ramps.  To recap:

Ok, now that we have recapped, let’s get to the point.  Our driveway, just a tad west of our neighbor’s driveway, has been collecting snow all year.  The wind kicks up a bit, scrapes off the top layer of snow in all of Teller County, and deposits each and every ice crystal in our driveway. (Fig. 2)  We (when I say we, I mean Jesse) have had to shovel many, many times; some of those times occuring on the same day, just to get out. 

Enough is enough!

 So Jesse decided to build a snow fence.  He built it out of snow (materials are cheap at the moment).  Perfect!  Now all the snow would hit the snow fence and just collect there, eventually blocking out our view and forming a large glacial mass that would eventually take out Colorado Springs, and maybe even Pueblo if enough snow comes in the spring.

This plan did not work.  Refer to Figures 1 and 2. 

The snow fence is acting like a launch pad for the snow…it hits the fence, goes up, up, up and over, and has the precise trajectory to land…right in our neighbor’s driveway.  (Fig. 3) This cannot be good for relations.  We are fully expecting them to put their snowblower on the Return Fire setting and shoot it right back over. 

It’s too late to demolish the snow snow fence.  It’s kind of turned into an eight foot tall, thirty foot wide block of ice.  It might be visible from the moon.  I can tell you what will definitely be visible from the moon: the rage in my neighbor’s eyes, once he catches on to Figure 3.

 

Arizona is looking good…

I am really, really sick of the snow. 

Last night when I got home from work, I noticed that the road into my neighborhood had lots of snow on it, even though the skies were blue.  It was really windy and it didn’t take more than a couple seconds to realize the wind had blown lots of the already existing snow onto what had been “almost thawed” roads. 

I got closer to my house and saw that our road and driveway were covered in snow.  In a feeble attempt to get home, I started up the road and got stuck.  I managed to get unstuck once and get a bit closer.  Then I saw that our driveway had 2 and 3 foot drifts.  Pointless to try driving, it was time to get out and walk.

So I took a deep breath, grabbed what I needed out of my car, and darted to the house.  Or it would have been a dart, had the snow not sucked my shoe off.  Ice on pantyhose: not a good feeling.  Finally I got into the house but it felt like my lower half had been dipped in ice for five minutes.  I guess in a way, it had. 

My car is still out there in the road this morning.  When I woke up, there was another car coming up the road that got stuck near me.  And now there are a few cars that are stuck in the road.  So I haven’t even attempted to go out and evaluate the dire-ness of this situation, because the snow is now falling even harder.  My big fear is that this rapidly growing number of cars in the road is going to hamper the plow.

That brings me to another point.  Plows.  Granted, they clear the road to the degree of driveability.  However in doing so they transform the loose snow that was on the roads into solid snow-walls that line the end of people’s driveways.  I know it’s the plow guy’s job, but I smell some sort of invention opportunity here.  You know how they have lawnmowers that catch the grass?  I think they need plows that catch all this snow. 

And what is on the headline this morning on every news channel?  Global warming is making New York City reach record highs even though it’s January.  Right now in New York City it’s 62 degrees.  And of course they are all complaining because all the plants and animals think it’s spring.  It’s kind of scary, because one good cold spell up there and all those critters and greenery will freeze and die, and they’ll have a pretty bland spring and summer. 

Each part of the world has their problems.  If mine is getting stuck in my house, unable to go to work, sipping hot cocoa, I’ll take it!

 

Squirrel

There is a squirrel in my garage. 

Jesse had to spend most of yesterday shoveling the long driveway that had filled with snow.  The garage door was open for most of the day.  At some point, a squirrel invited himself in.  Last night when I went out to the garage for a soda, the squirrel darted off the top step.  He made a real mess of the garbage, too. 

We tried to chase him out last night, but he hid.  This morning we noticed the garbage was in worse shape than before.  He’s still in there, with his beady eyes and his paunchy little squirrel belly, full of our trash.  We have no idea how to get him out, because he is really good at hiding.  And our garage is crammed so full of junk that he has plenty of places to hide.