It’s official.  I hate Qwest.  You know, Qwest.  That giant entity of doom who we are dependent on for things like telephone service, high speed internet, blah blah blah.  Let me share with you the mind-numbing experience I am having attempting to get a new modem. 

 5/19 – Massive thunderstorm knocks out power to the house several times in the course of two hours.  Modem does not survive

5/20 – Call Qwest’s 1-800 number.  The recorded message politely informs me that I should try out Qwest’s super-cool online help chat feature.  This would be awesome, if I could get online.  Thanks for the advice, Qwest. 

I stay on the line.  Finally a speaker of poor English answers the phone and says “I would be happy to assist you.”  They walk me through a clearly scripted series of steps to troubleshoot my lack of internet connectivity.  Things like “Reverse the ethernet cable” and “Power down the modem and power it back up.”  I say I will call back later because I have somewhere to be.  The truth is, the futility of talking to this person makes me want to kill myself.

5/21 – Early morning at work I try to use Qwest’s super-cool online chat feature.  Chat lady finally comes online, eager to assist.  I tell her I think I need a new modem.  She asks a bunch of questions.  I answer them.  They send out a tech guy to the house to test the lines to the house.

5/22 – Tech guy shows up at the house to test lines.  All the lines are fine.  He calls me and says that my modem is probably blown, so I should get a new one.  Luckily I’ve only had this one three months, so replacement should be free, he tells me.  He lets me know I have to call the 1-800 number again to set up the modem swap.

5/24 – I call Qwest to ask for a new modem.  “No problem,” they tell me.  They will send me a label “right now, so I get it tomorrow” so I can send the modem back.  Once they get the modem back, they will send out a new modem.  The process should take “5-7 days” .  My other option is to pay a 99.95 deposit, you know, in the event I decide to go all renegade on them and keep the broken, useless modem as a paperweight with blinking lights.  It could happen.  I opt to wait for the label.

I mentioned that a year ago when this same thing happened, they were able to replace the modem the next day, by sending out a tech guy.  “No,” says the speaker of poor English.  “We only do it by UPS now.”  Crap.  My MySpace inbox must be overflowing by now.

5/30 – The label is STILL NOT HERE.  I call Qwest’s happy f’ing 1-800 number.  I want to puke when they tell me to try out their online chat.  I’m seriously experiencing inner rage; however, I am very polite and explain that I REALLY WANT THE INTERNET I AM PAYING AN EXORBITANT MONTHLY FEE FOR.  I say “Surely there must be a way to get a modem faster than this.  It’s 2007.  I should not have to wait for a modem like this. 

The speaker of poor English (not the same one as before, I might add) gives me two local (Colorado Springs) numbers to call.  “They should be able to help you swap out your modems,” he says.  I call the first number.  It’s freaking out of service.  The Qwest guy gave me a number that is not in service.  Suddenly it’s not surprising that this process is taking so long.  Morons.  The second number works!  Hurray!  A friendly, local, perfect-English lady answered.  “Help me,” I tell her.  “I need to swap this modem out!”

“They shouldn’t have told you to call us,” said the lady.  “We can’t do warranty replacements.  Qwest doesn’t let us.  I don’t want you to get it replaced here, because you would have to pay for something you should get for free.  Call them back.” 

Major eff.

I call Qwest again.  I am a seething ball of fury.  Another speaker of poor English answers this time, not just poor English but I-have-no-idea-how-to-construct-an-intelligible-sentence English, and I explain my quest with Qwest for the umpteenth time.  Unfortunately I don’t know that she has a clue what I am talking about. 

“I need to replace my modem,” I tell her.  “They sent out a label for me to send this one back, but it never got here.  I want a new modem.  Tomorrow.”

“You have two option,” says S.o.P.E.  “We can send out label, you send back modem and you get new modem in ten working day.”

“I did that,” I said.  “It’s not working.  I want a new modem.  Now.  Yesterday.”

“Oh, I see,” says S.o.P.E.  “They already do label send you.  You can deposit 99.95 on credit card and you get refund when you send modem back Qwest.”

“Can’t I just put it on my bill?”  I ask her.

“Let me find out help you,” she tells me.

I am on hold for thirteen minutes.

“Sorry you wait,” she says.  “We put deposit on next bill.  Now I transfer you to hardware person to help you with modem.”

I am on hold for a couple minutes and then Tech Guy answers.  (He speaks good English)

“Hello.  All I need is a credit card number for a 99.95 deposit and I can send out this modem.  You’ll have it tomorrow.”

“The lady just told me, like two minutes ago, that it was going on my next bill.”

“No, they don’t do that,” said the hardware man.  “I can’t send this out without a credit card.  Go ahead and give it to me.”

“Um,” I say.  “Um, I don’t think I will.  Can you put me back on with the lady?  She just told me I’d see it on my bill.  I don’t want to get charged twice.”

“That won’t happen,” the man said.  “It’s not even possible within our system.  Just give me the credit card and you’ll get your new modem tomorrow.”

“No,” I tell him.  “Though I’ve had a great time dealing with Qwest for the last week and a half, I think I’ll just talk to the lady again.”

“Hold on,” the man says.  “Let me see what I can find out.”

I’m on hold for seven minutes.

“Okay,” he says.  “We’re going to go ahead and waive that credit card requirement.  You’ll have your new modem tomorrow.  Just send the old one back and you’ll get your refund on your next bill.”

Stay tuned.  If I get the modem, the actual modem, tomorrow I may forgive them. 

It must be pretty hard for a mega-corporation such as Qwest to hire phone-people who have a clue (and a grasp on verbs), create a system that enables communication between their own workers, and allow local branches to take care of local people.  It is a communications company, sure!  But how can we expect an entity such as Qwest to operate with any semblance of common frickin’ sense?  The higher-ups probably don’t have much time to deal with such minor inconveniences.  After all, there’s golf to play!  And martinis to drink!  And tropical vacations to endure! 

Not that I am bitter.