Today someone found my blog by typing “will i die if I eat a habanero?” into Google. I am terribly torn up at the thought of some lost and lonely soul, peering into the seedy pith of a fiery hot pepper, debating should I?  I hate to think of anyone falling into temptation of habanero consumption, ready to dive into 250,000 Scoville units of pure tongue-numbing terror without guidance.  So I am here to tell you about the day I got habanero juice in my eye.

Yes, my eye. 

I had been dating a Louisiana native for a while, and I was suddenly really into spicy foods.  I would use peppers and spices to liven up regular stuff.  One day my dad was visiting me in Washington, D.C. and I chose to make homemade chicken soup.  While shopping for celery, potatoes, and carrots, I grabbed a little orange pepper that looked like it “could add color” to my soup.  Heck, I liked peppers.  Those green and red bell peppers always were nice.  Surely this little, wrinkled orange one would turn out to be tasty, too.

This turned out to be my first brush with a habanero pepper.  In retrospect, I think petting a rattlesnake might have been more comfortable.     

So I was there in my kitchen, putting the soup together (I love making homemade soup…cans are for losers).  My dad was on the other side of the kitchen island, watching a Western.  I tossed the ingredients into the pot.  It came time to add the pretty pepper.  I chopped it up too.  I guess I got a little to excited about tossing the vegetables, because some of the chicken broth splashed me on the cheek.  I reached up to brush off my brow.

MY EYES!  Oh, the pain!  I hadn’t rinsed my hands from chopping the pepper!  I applied fresh, orange-tinged habanero juice directly onto my eyeball!  My instant reflex was to raise up my other hand and grab my face!  NO!  THE BLINDNESS!  Now my other eye was full of habanero juice!  I was thrasing up and down-unable to see, unable to speak, unable to breathe.  My eyes burned like they were full of needles.  My nose and lips were going numb from the pepper juice.  My dad chuckled at something Clint Eastwood said.  I reached over to the sink to rinse my hands, but all the water did was smear the toxin around.

I can’t really remember how this scenario ended.  I think the trauma of the pain erased my memory of the afternoon. 

The moral of the story is, don’t just go eating a habanero, whoever you are.  I am pretty certain that your stomach lining will dissolve, and you will most likely not be able to sit down for weeks.  (That’s if you can actually get past one bite.)  You’ll have to run out and buy one of those ‘hemorrhoid donuts’ to sit on from the inevitable swelling that will take place several hours after consumption.  These are not candy, people.  These are the kind of peppers that destroy lives and eyesight. 

Please use caution.