Steal These Pants!

‘Sup y’all? 

I’m hijackin’ this blug.  I had to cap the chick who was takin’ my pic at the Wal-Mart.  See, I was just shoppin, minnin’ my own biznass looking at DVDs and stereos and shit.  Special the DVDs…I been collectin’ ol’ eps of Real Housewives of Orange County yanno?  So there I am all lookin’ for sales and shit, and all outta nowhere comes this crazy chick with a pink camera phone and she’s all droolin’ at me like she saw some pot a’ gold.  If you’d seen me you’d prolly been doin’ the same thing.

 

Now I know I be in fine azz shape, check me out!   I am hard for the ladies to resist.  But this chick, man she musta been ON something cuz she kept mutterin’ somethin’ about “People a Wal Mart dot com” and was aimin’ that camera phone at me like she was capturin a rare butterflea.  I say “Hey girl, you wanna my picture that’s fine but quit chasin’ me ‘roun like you smelling the flowermones or sumtin.”

From this fine photo I found on the phone (after I left her in the ditch) you can’t really tell how poofy my hair is, or that my pants are rockin’ a classy print of Stewie from Family Guy over an’ over an’ over.  You also can’t tell my jacket is open in the front and my T shirt is rockin’ a picture of Betty White.  I know…I know…you’re running out to the Wal Mart to get yousself one right now.  I know.  I ain’t jealous, I know imma trendsetta. 

I guess the problem I really had with that chick is that she caught me in the manly items aisle, if you get what I’m saying.  I needed to get my hands on some Magnums…yanno?  I was lookin’ at all the fine varieties the Wal Mart gots to offer.  I know you might not believe it, but these pants go a long way with the lady folk.  Maybe cause they be covered with babies…I dunno.  Between my hot azz and these pants and my hat, I need to stock up on the pro-fo-lactics, yanno? 

So this chick…she takes my picture, and I’m all like Gimme that phone, you crazy beoatch!  She takes off like Imma gonna kill her (prolly cause I AM) and she goes all speed racer toward the door.  She nearly takes out the Wal Mart greeter and he’d be crappin’ his drawers but luckily those greeters are all like a hunnert years old so they gots the Depends on and shit. 

So the Wal Mart greeter thinks I’m chasin’ this girl (cause I AM) and his little ol’ manness tries to get in front of me, but I pull a Stinger outta these pants (you wouldn’t believe the arsenal I can pack in here) and blow his azz all the way to the McDonalds area where there’s a buncha little kids all looking and cryin and shit.  They just jealous a’ my pants.

So, after I dumped the body in the ditch, I found this blog and had to come tell y’all what happened.  Sorry ’bout that, she was prolly a nice gal and all but ya just can’t go chasin’ hot guys around the Wal Mart and not expect shit like this to happen.  It’s really too shame she couldn’ta got a picture of my from the front.  Idda made me famous and shit.

Well, chow baby, chow.

 

to burn

I thought that the agony would disappear, if only the swirling mass of fire in my soul would finally snuff itself into a cold pile of ash. 

…but fire needs to escape, consume oxygen, burn brighter and hotter and eat the fuel that it’s been given and change the landscape.

And this is the first new year’s resolution of my entire life.

 

2000-2009: Highlights of my decade

2000

It was December 31, 1999 – I was spending Y2K with my closest friends – we had vowed to protect each other once the stoplights started flickering on and off uncontrollably, and we were all prepared to go down together when nuclear bombs started launching themselves toward elementary schools, all thanks to lazy computer programmers with no foresight.  Alas, we stood frozen on the National Mall and saw some pretty cool fireworks instead of anarchy and the collapse of society.  We also enjoyed a very pricey but delicious dinner at Bilbo Baggins restaurant in Alexandria. 

2000 was also the year I left the Marines and moved to Washington DC.  Moving and taking a new job also meant saying goodbye to the WORST human being I have ever had the misfortune to date.  And even though he showed on my doorstep regularly for several months (while he was dating someone else, mind you) I was able to find the strength to shut the door and wave goodbye. 

I started a new job of the professional kind, little did I know it would solidify my future in computer programming.

2001

2001 was the year I had two back surgeries.  It was my first time going under anesthesia, and not coincidentally, the first time I cursed loudly at an anesthesiologist.

I’ve written extensively about the awesomeness and tragedy that 2001 was, so I won’t talk too much about it here.  2001 will always belong to Melissa and me. 

2002

I visited England, France, and Italy.  I loved France the most because it was so different from the US.  And if you attempt to speak the language, they are willing and happy to assist you in getting around, in English no less.  I also loved the Gothic architecture. 

2002 was the year I discovered a remedy for my fear of flying – Ativan.  I flew from DC to Seattle to visit my friend Carli over Christmas, and the delightful little pill allowed me to enjoy the flight without my usual certainty that the wing was going to fall off. 

I bought my mom two cats for Christmas in 2002.  I realized how much I missed the West during this visit home.

2003

I became depressed for the first time in my life.  I didn’t realize what it was, because the depression didn’t feel “sad.”  It manifested in sleepwalking, and insomnia.  I realized that I lived in a stressful city and had an extremely stressful job.  Visiting friends involved a major commute.  I missed fluffy clouds and news channels that didn’t announce a child murder victim on a weekly basis. 

I decided I needed mountains and dirt roads in my life.  Having never set foot in Colorado in my life, I found an apartment online in Colorado Springs, sold my house, and moved there.  Luckily, my job got to come with me…but I was leaving DC whether the job came with or not.

A week after I moved to Colorado, I met Jesse who would turn out to be a soulmate and husband…at least until mid 2009.  I met Denise and Erika who would also be soulmates…I met Denise over baskets and Erika over ashes (I really need to blog that story).  I bought a house and my dad helped me remodel it. 

2004

Carli graduated from medical school.  On the flight back, we flew right over Mt. Rainier and I looked down into the top.  It was a bit surreal as we were only a few thousand feet over clouds that pooled around the crater-like top.  I felt very small.

I spent most of the year crabby and pregnant, but in October, Avery Jack arrived looking like a shriveled little old man.  We drove home from the hospital in a blizzard on Halloween and I learned how to change a diaper for the first time, but not before he peed on his own face.  I had never wanted children, but then one arrived and I realized what all the fuss was about.

2005

In 2005 I held a hummingbird.  We moved to the top of a mountain in Divide, Colorado.  A house that sat 9200 feet above sea level.  Every night there were billions of visible stars above.  I even counted them, so I know this to be true.

2005 was also the year my bestest friends Hersh and Carli got married on a farm in Minnesota.  I visited my grandma Betty in Wisconsin.  I drove through Iowa for the first time (there was a lot of corn in the way). 

2006

In February I got an ALIF (Anterior Lumbar Interbody Fusion) which is a fancy way of saying “a dockter fixed my busted back.”  I woke up in incredible pain and told a marvelous story to the nurse about how I, too, was a nurse.  I blame copious amounts of morphine.  The recovery was hellish but I got the privelege of being the only twenty-nine year old I knew with an honest-to-Pete walker.  I never did get tennis balls for the front but I figure I can always do it later.  The surgery seemed to help and it left me with some seriously cool staple scars. 

I read two or three books a day for the first month and a half of recovery, and when I couldn’t stand to read anymore I started to write.  I wrote an eighty thousand word novel in three weeks, and several short stories.  I sent some of the short stories off to various people with the note “will write 4 food.”

I took a Myers-Briggs test at work, and discovered that there was a reason why I can’t use a day planner.  I threw away all of my organizers and bought a stack of post-its, and I’ve been rockin’ and rollin’ every since.  Embrace the way you are.

2007

I’m pretty sure something important happened in 2007, but I have no idea what it might have been.  So when I remember, I will come back and edit this section.

2008

Macy was born in January.  Her firecracker attitude was visible from day one, and I remembered my mother yelling at me when I was fifteen…“One day I hope you have a daughter just like you!  Then you’ll be sorry!”   Yet, I am not sorry.  She is magic.

We decided to move to Montana and I applied for a job at one of the only places to work in Bozeman.  I interviewed with thirteen people, and we decided to move before I officially got the job.  Luckily, I got the job.  My future boss called me while I was at the St. Patrick’s Day parade in Butte, MT…which is probably the last place I ever expected to accept a job offer.  I hung up the phone and jumped for joy…I wasn’t going to have to work at Target after all.

Our house in Colorado wouldn’t sell, though.  The economy had tanked and we decided to short sale it. 

I couldn’t have cared less.  I was home in Montana, where I belong.

2009

Challenges left and right.  It’s been a hard year and I’m not ready to talk about all of it yet.  It was a year of self-reflection and navel gazing.  Hence, I learned a lot about myself, both good and bad.  I know I am a strong and smart person.

However, it was a very hard year.  On August 28 I was sitting on the couch in my living room, watching David Letterman.  The kids were asleep.  I was debating whether drinking Lysol or Clorox would kill me faster if I drank the entire bottle.  Just then, an email from one of the people I submitted a short story to (see 2006) popped up on my screen.

She wanted to publish my story in a Travelers Tales anthology.  All I have ever wanted to do, since the day I could form a sentence, was write.

At the very moment I needed a miracle, I got one. 

Life is grand.  Happy New Year to you and yours.

 

Winding down now…

What I learned from Avatar

Avatar…what a beautiful movie.  I didn’t spend a lot of time analyzing the perfectly structured and cliche plotline that a few critics warned about; the plotline didn’t need to be anything more than it was.  I’ve never seen a 3D movie before, and while I enjoyed every second, I left the theater with a dizzy vertigo and didn’t feel right again for about an hour.  There are a few things I have noted about the future (The movie is set in 2154, or something like that)

- Words I am surprised are still in use in 2154: “Daisy Cutter”

- Words I am not surprised are still in use in 2154: “Shit” , “Crap”

- Marines are particularly pissy in the future

- I could really use a flying dragon right about now

Don’t disappoint Kiki

Starbucks drive through in Butte, Montana.  The shop is relatively new…I think it just opened this year.  I notive that the baristas here are more bubbly and talkative than any other SBUX I have ever been to (and I’ve been to a lot!).  This moment took the cake.  I have to wonder if they have some weird management chain that is making the Butte store be more bubbly than others.  Have you been to a SBUX recently?  Are they acting over the top?  Here is what happened as I pulled up to the drive through…

(Voice): “Hi, this is Kiki, welcome to Starbucks!  Can I interest you in a creme brulee latte?  Foamy and delicious!  Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!”

Me:  “No, thanks.  I’d like a Venti triple latte, please.”

Kiki:  “Okay, a triple Venti latte….how about a fresh slice of buttery delicious pound cake to go with that?  Perhaps a wedge of our pumpkin spice bread?  DELISH!”

Me:  “No, I’ll just take the coffee.  Thank you though.”

Kiki:  “Awwwwwwwwwwwww.  You disappoint Kiki.”

Songs I’ve been listening to lately

Instead of the “crazy hammering mess” I usually prefer, I’ve slowed things down for December…

Fugitive – David Gray.  I’m not a huge DG fan but I do like a few of his tunes.  On this one there is a simple piano in the background, and that is what gets stuck in my head for hours and hours and days and days.

21 Guns – Green Day.  I can’t stand Green Day.  I’ve seen them in concert 3 times but I hate them.  I do like this little gem though. 

The Lightning Strike – Snow Patrol – I think I like this sixteen minute wonder due to the buildup.  Love it.

Fair – Remy Zero – I’ve loved this song ever since Garden State but for some reason I keep replaying in.  Must be something in the water.

Gifts

Dave and Bryan sent me organic coffee beans and a Krups grinder.  What a fantastic surprise, and could not have been more on the mark as to things that make me happy.  Denise sent me ORANGES!  I can’t wait until they get here.  I have been wanting a real orange something terrible.  Sharon sent me The Daring Book for Girls and wrote me a message inside.  I love books with handwritten message inside.  Carli sent me two neat wall decorations that were NOT shaped like tiki heads. 

2010

I have 2010 built up in my mind.  I just feel it.  Something tremendous awaits.

 

Protected: The Treasure Map

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Boundaries…what are they good for? (ab-so-lutely NUTHIN)

Good grief.  I have so many STORIES to tell.  Unfortunately I haven’t managed to completely overcome the boundaries that I need to overcome to tell funny stories about people still alive.  I am about 50% there, but many times I find that I write a hilarious piece about which I know you would say No way did that really happen…but I can’t hit “publish” because the humor is at someone else’s expense.  That was okay when five people a year read my blog, and three of those hits were from my own computer.  It’s not okay now because I hear about it, and feel guilty.  And I hate feeling guilty.

I desperately want to tell you the story about The Treasure Map.

Instead, I am going to go sit in the corner, rock back and forth for a while and debate my future as a writer…a lame future to be sure if I can’t be brave enough to trash anything and everything in words, for all the world to read.  Surely this is why writers are loners, drug addicts and alcoholics…it’s the only way they can tell the truth?  Or the only way they can cope with everyone being perpetually angry at them? 

What I will do is re-post a blog-interview that I stole from Crisitunity’s pages.  I like this one because I can share one of my OCD quirks in question #4. 

1. How do you flush the toilet in public?
With my foot, of course. 

2. Do you wear your seat belt in the car?
Yes, why thank you for caring about my well-being!

3. Do you have a crush on someone?
Ludwig van Beethoven

4. Name one thing you worry about running out of.
KIDNEY BEANS.  Oh my God, you wouldn’t believe my obsession with canned beans.  It’s like I’m traveling cross country with the Joads and someone put me in charge of the food list.  I cannot walk by the following types of beans without throwing at least two cans into my cart:  Kidney, Pinto, Black, Great Northern.  When I take the groceries home, I stack the newly purchased beans in their section in the pantry.  I am scared shitless to run out of kidney beans.  What if someone needed chili?

5. What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble?
When I picture myself, I envision the little depressed matzo ball that bounces around in the antidepressant commercial.  I have no idea how to answer crap like this.

6. What is your favorite pizza topping?
Feta cheese and red peppers

7. Do you crack your knuckles?
No, but you should hear my spine when I move…it’s like popcorn

8. Peppermint or spearmint?
Spearmint if it’s gum.  Peppermint if we’re talking about Listerine.

9. Where are your car keys?
In the same place they always are, don’t even THINK about moving them, or I will never find them again.

10. Last song you listened to?
“Helena” – Nickel Creek

11. What’s your most annoying habit?
This is the kind of thing YOU should be telling ME.  Personally I would like to be able to shut the hell up in group settings, rather than being full of outbursts.  But I’m outbursty. 

12. What is your best physical feature?
Ugh.  Whatever.  My scars are cooler than your scars.  (I do have self-esteem…I just don’t want to write about it)

13. What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator?
Lemon juice, expired tortillas, expired sour cream

14. What superstition do you believe/practice?
none

15. Would you rather be a fish or a bird?
bird, yo

16. What are you having to eat tonight?
I made salmon

17. What colour shirt are you wearing?
blue.

18. Do you talk to yourself?
Like a fiend!  I listen to myself too, and occasionally I ignore myself.

19. Have you ever adopted or purchased a pet?
Yes.  I hope to acquire a kitty cat soon.